My Milk Carton Plug in the Belly of a Bird

There's a word for what I have: eco anxiety.

I just listened to a new podcast hosted by Ashley Ahearn that finally named it for me. Eco anxiety, the depression that happens when the problem of sustainability just seems so overwhelming, so paralyzing, so fucking oppressive.

Okay, you're right. It's only one of the things that's wrong with me. Thanks for that.

Still, have you ever heard me complain about all the plastic in the gyre? You know, that floating plastic island the size of Texas that exists in each of the oceans? It keeps coming back to me, this awful thing we're doing without even thinking.

A single human mind can't really think globally all that well. When I shop for food, it's hard to imagine where my food came from, how many gallons of gas were consumed to make it arrive at my hand, how much plastic from its packaging will remain for decades after I've finished eating it, or worse, letting it rot in the fridge and throwing it out unopened. It's a paralyzing thought, this gyre the size of Texas, something that is filled with the plastic packaging from food I buy every other day.

It is a killing thing, a plague on our sea mammals, on our fish, and on our sea birds. I think about the little plastic plug I pull out the first time I open a milk carton. Do I need that plug? Really? Do I need to eat from a plastic container of lettuce every single day? Do I need to grab a Ziploc bag when I could put my food into a reusable container instead? If I were to collect my daily plastic, would I kill a single albatross every night with what I throw away? I just might.

Chris Jordan is my new hero. He went to Midway and filmed the beauty and the agony of the albatrosses there and the plastic that ends up in their bodies. Watch. And that's just the trailer to the movie.

Don't you feel small? Don't you feel a little bit paralyzed to do anything about it? I do. Name it: eco anxiety.

And yet, I'm headed to the park with my dog and after that to the grocery store. If I can keep Chris Jordan's story in my head for just twenty-five minutes, I can think about how much plastic I buy when I bring home my food. I can choose food based on packaging. Do I continue to buy the lettuce in a thick plastic tub when I could get it loose or in a bag that contains much less plastic.

Less plastic.

Maybe we should have a plastic tax, a price we pay per ounce at the grocery store every time we buy something with plastic packaging. Wouldn't that go over well in the Trump administration? What a joke.

Still, we have to work toward solutions despite the fact that our federal government no longer believes in sustaining the planet. WE have to do the work.

Yet it's hard to keep moving forward. It's hard to write to companies that make our favorite food and tell them we can't buy it any more because of their plastic packaging. It's hard to look at the plastic we regularly throw away and wonder which ways we can cut back, even small steps. Products are moving toward using more plastic and not less. Have you looked at pet food lately? Big thick plastic bags instead of the heavy paper it used to come in. I know, if you dropped a forty pound bag on the floor before, the damn paper would split and you'd be on your knees picking up kibbles for an hour.

But at what cost do we switch to the heavy plastic bags for the convenience of handling them more roughly?

All those dead birds, and seals, and dolphins, and whales.

So, I know you're out there, struggling with your own eco anxiety. Do something beautiful. Do something energetic. Listen to loud music. But don't give up.

The albatross needs you.

Thank you for listening, jules

What is the Price of Treason?

I came here the other day, intending to tell you any bad news I could think of, but I was interrupted immediately. Mike needed me to cook a five course meal for some Boy Scouts or something. I left without writing a single word.

And the blog system saved it. Really, I didn't write a word. Not one.

Still, when I got back here and looked at what I wrote most recently, there was an unfinished draft that illustrated nothing. Nada. Zilch. Insert Trump's brain here.

What a waste of space.

But you could say that about my whole blog, right? What have I done but grouse about things that result in absolutely no change? What impact has my grating voice had? Anything?

I'm tired of being nice. What will it take to get some response to the Russian connection?

Think about it: an antagonistic country is meddling with the highest office of our government, with the essence of our democracy. Investigative reporters have discovered connections between multiple individuals in the Trump administration including wads of moolah being paid out and yet Congress is still dragging its feet about appointing an independent bipartisan commission to pursue the problem.

What the hell?

So which members of Congress are in on it? An independent bipartisan commission to investigate the Russian connection is an obvious solution to the problem and yet so many people are putting up barriers. Can you say Nunes? There is a reason for that. It might involve more money, blackmail, and as yet unknown connections to Russia.

What is the price of treason?

In my opinion, the traitors deserve a fair trial, but we shouldn't eliminate the possibility of capital punishment for each and every one of the ones who are found guilty. There should be some hangings. Start with Flynn and Page, you know, after a fair trial. Then, move up through the ranks, all the way to the top as necessary.

A strong response to meddling with our country's checks and balances should be in order. We should be as mad as we were when the Twin Towers came tumbling down. Our country is being attacked. The attacks are affecting our government, our balance of power, and our very sense of security and freedom that we live by. If we don't demand a severe response to this invasion, our lives will change, right down to the schools our children attend and to the very air we breathe. 

I'm telling you with my tiny, whiny voice. We'd better pay attention. The fabric of our Constitution depends on it. 

Thank you for listening, jules

Why You Should Watch '13 Reasons Why'

Have you binge-watched 13 Reasons Why on Netflix yet? Watch it, but only if you have teenagers, are a teenager, or have ever spoken to a teenager. It covers everything, bullying, shaming on social media, stalking, shunning, and doing the right thing when you made a big mistake. It even covers rape.

I wanted to write thirteen dumb reasons why I go crazy as a mom, but it wasn't funny, especially if you did watch the show, especially if any of those things ever happened to you.

Especially because some of those things happened to me when I was younger. I write circles around those stories. I'm sorry. I feel such a strong need to write, but I end up writing stupid things instead.

I am not brave. I never have been.

So my stories are fraught with holes. The truth, my truth will come out sometime. I will write it all eventually. I'm sure I will. Just wait with me for a while. When I get old, I hope I'll become more brave and I will tell all of my stories, even the difficult ones. Especially the difficult ones.

Even when things were truly horrifying in my life, when I was harassed, stalked, groped, peeped, and worse, I never quite got to the point of killing myself.

But if I do have a story I can tell right now without fear, it is this - if you've thought about going down that trail... if you suffered, if you have ever considered ending it because everything is just so deeply fucked, I can tell you that it doesn't stay that way forever. I came through. I eventually married a man I still can't believe I deserve, someone who loves me, damaged or not. I got out, escaped, found a job somewhere entirely new. I got stronger. Now, I live a charmed life, one that is opposite of the sad life I lived before. It's never perfect, but it glows in comparison to the black and gray future I thought I deserved and expected.

I once stood at the abyss. I considered the leap, but ultimately I decided to get angry instead, to fight back instead of collapsing.  Eventually, that anger will have to include telling my truth. I stood at the abyss for a long time before I walked away. I'm still amazed I didn't fall in, and maybe I did for a while, just got lost in the awful enormity of evil in this world.

But I'm here to tell you it doesn't stay awful forever. There is light. There are good people. There is help. My wish for you is that you find it. I did.

Thank you for listening, jules

Finding the Courage to Tell

Last night, I missed a charity event that I really wanted to go to: People Eating and Giving. It was hosted by The Greater Seattle Bureau of Fearless Ideas, 'a community of devoted volunteers to write and read and study and connect, through programs ranging from writing workshops and publishing programs to on-site collaborations with local schools.' That's what their website says anyway.

I can get with that. I'd like to think I bring that kind of energy to my high school students when we work together on Wednesdays. I'd have liked to benefit fearless ideas and the kids that have them, except that I got the date wrong for the event.

I really wanted to go so I could meet Lindy West and Nancy Pearl. 

For years, I've been avidly listening to Nancy Pearl's book suggestions on Public Radio. Sometimes, I'd stop by the side of the road so I could write down the name of the next book I'd reserve at the library. I'm sure that if the King County Library were to run an analysis on their book lending trends at particular hours of the day, it would be seriously influenced by the moments when Nancy Pearl recommended a book on the radio. I know. I was one of the links in that chain. Nancy Pearl is one of my favorite librarians, and I can tell you that I love my librarians, Jane, Maria, Kristin, and so many others that I frequently ask, "What are you reading? What book have you loved lately?" Nancy Pearl always has an answer that I like.

And there's Lindy West. Do you know of Lindy West? 

Last week, I was clueless as to who she was. Oh, you do. I must be a little late coming to the table. Sorry about that. 

Last Tuesday, on my way out of the library, a title on the Choice Reads shelf leaped out at me: shrill.

What a great fucking title! Why hadn't I ever thought of that title? 

I'm a title maker from way back, way before I ever managed to write a single story. I'd list titles in my little blank book, titles that I would eventually write or not. Mormon Norman, Love in a Canoe, If there Were Leeches in the Sand A Mouse in a Duffle Bag, titles like that. 

Shrill was the very best title ever, I thought, so I picked up the book and added it to Mike's pile of movies at the self-checkout stand. 

In the car, I began to read Lindy West's book on feminism, misogyny, fat-shaming, and comedy. I couldn't read fast enough. I managed to drive home without reading. (I'm telling you - reading while driving is not advisable, ever.) While still holding her book in my hand, I rumbled up the stairs and looked her up on the Internet. The Stranger, The New York Times, GQ, and a blog! How had I missed this woman?

But she had a few appearances coming up and maybe I could catch up with what I'd missed. There were two in Seattle, Talk of the Town, a fundraiser cocktail party, and People Eating and Giving. I don't have the wardrobe or the endurance for cocktail parties, but People Eating and Giving felt like it was right down my alley. It was! I was going.

But no. Three days later, I looked it up again. I remembered the date wrong and by the time I realized it, the thing was already 51 minutes along and I'd be at least an hour and a half late and under-dressed even if I threw on real pants and jumped into my car to see if I could get them to open their doors to me.

An hour and a half is rude, beyond what I could carry off with my vague cheerfulness and ability to be a dupe.

I am the dupe, most of the time anyway but even I have my limits.

So, I stayed home and time crawled on tiny hands, reminding me often that the people I'd missed were probably gathering to be seated, then later, one of the speakers, Nancy Pearl or Lindy West would take the stage. Even later, I realized it was probably time for questions at which point I would have most certainly raised my hand with a question I had formed in the forty-five minutes drive in the car on my way there. I would have totally smoked the room with my question and the speaker would ask herself, "Who is this amazing questioner?"

Right. Sure she would.

Even after I was certain the event was over and the speakers were safely snuggled at home on their couches with their televisions on, my mind kept going back over how I could have missed this chance to meet such amazing people. The television droned on. Mike went to bed. I paced.

I was tired, but I couldn't stop thinking. 

Why did I so totally need to meet Lindy West? What would I have to add to her already full docket? Why should I matter to Lindy West one iota?

Then I realized it was all the misogyny I had experienced in my lifetime. 

Do you know how you tend to find books in seasons? There were groups of dystopia books I seemed to read one after another, another series of books on space exploration, mysteries, spy books, rape books, travel books, and apocalypses. They all came in groups of three or five or sometimes seven. I had to actively work to get out of the apocalypse books. They were getting me down. 

Right now, it seems as though every book I pick up talks about how women are still harassed, repressed, and outright assaulted. Remember, I was telling you about Girl in the Woods by Aspen Matis? Good book. Assault and repression. And Aspen Matis can hike like a motherfucker, thirty miles a day. Still, it brought up a lot of memories, being a young woman in a technical field, being on my own, and the ravages of dating. Ultimately, I thought I had escaped those treacherous years for good, but there they were, as fresh and as foul as the day they were pressed upon me.

Ultimately, I blame Trump when he said that he, and by extension any other white male, had a right to reach out and grab a woman by the pussy. I have been in a funk since that comment made it to the Oval Office. The reason I've been in a funk is that I have stories to tell about being harangued, repressed, assaulted, threatened, and I fucking don't want to tell them.

I've gotten past that part of my life. Right? I'm happy in my marriage. No opinion about my looks, my sexuality, or my place in this world matters to me beyond that of my family and friends and I don't have to work very hard to be relevant where I am right now. Right?

So why is Lindy West so stuck in my craw? Why all this incredible urge to connect with her regarding her book?

I paced. The television was a lame distraction. Images floated to the surface. I tried to flush them back down, but there they were, my horror stories, my unreported harassment issues, my dating traps, my unnamed-misogynist-asshole battles, some won, some lost. The sad thing is that, like Lindy West, I have had to deal with more than one misogynist asshole. I had a whole slew of them, though in my time, there were no buzzing text messages and Twitter notifications in the middle of the night. At least I had that. 

Eventually, I'll write all of these stories. I may publish them, if I'm brave like Lindy West. I may not. I may have told you before that I am not all that brave. I try, but I am not.

Maybe that's why I so desperately need to meet Lindy West. Maybe I need to see what courage looks like in person. Maybe I need to shake the hand of a courageous woman who has most certainly made our lives better, even if it's just to get women to write out our horror stories so that we can acknowledge them even if no one else ever does. For now. Thank you Lindy West.


Thank you for listening, jules

Rolling the Stone Up the Hill

So much has been going on. The U.S. government is in turmoil. There's a race between the patriots who are trying to find out about the Trump administration's involvement with Russia and the administration's need to eliminate regulations that protect our society against racism and corporate greed. Who will win? Every day, more honorable Republicans are joining Democrats and questioning the illegal actions of the Trump administration, but will the truth come to light soon enough?

It's nail-biting to watch the news these days. What a fucking drama. (You should know that I follow that fake news, MSNBC, The New York Times, CNN, and the Washington Post.) Can't these politicians lie any more convincingly than they do? Spicer and Nunes both look like they have bones stuck sideways in their throats when they talk. And none of the sentences any of the pressured politicians use are clear. Sometimes what they say doesn't actually have a meaning. What a fucking dance to always have to avoid saying anything that is true. It's like watching the little kid with a stain on his pants and a yellow puddle at his feet who looks off to the side and says defiantly that he didn't pee himself. But we can see what's happening. Why keep lying?

I suppose it worked so far for Sessions. He's still in his position even though he recused himself. They still need to fire him. The whole Trump administration is a quagmire of conspiracy and only a vague attempt at concealment.

Here at home, it's a mess too. Oh, I shouldn't make you think we're in a true turmoil like the one in D.C. Everyone is healthy, thank God. No one is leaving home and we're not screaming at each other, except once in a while when Nick is being intentionally obtuse and stubborn. Last night, he forgot to bring in groceries from the car he was driving. Today, he's eating the stuff that sat out all night. I hope he doesn't get sick. The temperature outside was in the mid-forties this morning, so he should be okay. I'm not entirely certain of that though.

Still, my mind is in turmoil this morning.

Nick has begun to prepare for the ACT and the SAT. He took a mock ACT and last night we got the results. He's horrible at taking tests. I'm sure he's a bright kid, but he hides most of his intelligence. He does well in math and science, but the boy refuses to read on his own, so it affects anything that requires much reading and writing, which is practically everything!

It's time someone else told him to turn off the damned TV. It's time someone else told him to read a damned book. So, I just finished writing a note to his Language Arts teacher.

I asked her to nag him. I did. Truly. I used the word 'nag.'

Nick is sixteen. There isn't very much that he will hear that comes out of my mouth. Oh, sometimes he listens, but that only happens when something shitty comes out of my mouth. Then, he's wide awake to my words. Gossip? Self-righteousness? Hypocrisy? Cursing? Oh, he's avid to hear stuff like that. But when I try to tell him how to prepare for life, he's in a soundproof room and I am in space where no one can hear me scream.

I just finished reading an amazing book, An Astronaut's Guide to Life on Earth, by Col. Chris Hadfield. If I thought Nick would crack the spine, I'd buy him a copy. I'm tempted to buy copies for five of his best friends and hope some of the ideas will bleed back into Nick's sphere of awareness. I'm tempted to buy a copy for one of his teachers to give to him.

Col. Hadfield writes about attitude, preparation, and about making sure you choose a life you think is fun. He writes about achieving your goals and about how to manage when you don't. This guy started thinking about how to prepare to be an astronaut when he was nine! I'll bet he began saving for his retirement at about that age too. And as the book proceeds, Hadfield describes some of the most exhilarating experiences a person can have. Doing somersaults in zero gravity. Throwing a live snake out of an airplane window at 200 mph. Looking at the jewel of the earth from orbit. He's so enthusiastic, it's infectious.

In the meantime, I've given up trying to get Nick to read, even an amazing book like this.

So, I'm begging teachers to take over the job of pushing his stone up the hill.

I am Sisyphus.

As if teachers don't already have enough stones to roll uphill.

 Thank you for listening, jules

Release Trump Taxes

Most nights, when I finally get to sit down for a minute, I watch MSNBC. I like watching Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O'Donnell. I've never watched this much news before. It feels important, critical even. Every night, when I finally turn the television off, I feel as though I have something to say.

So, if you've read my blog for a while, you know by now that I am a ordinary person. Technically, I'm a stay-at-home mom, but I end up running all over the county in my 'free' time to give my hours away in great volumes. I work with Boy Scouts to earn their Citizenship in the Community merit badges and run any other errands their leaders might need me to run. I tutor students at the high school. When I'm home, I try to cook real food. I make good pie, brisket, and a calzone that makes my husband feel very well-loved. I read, walk my dog, talk too much to the cashier at the local market, and I spend too much money having coffee with my girlfriends, some of whom even voted for Trump because they believed him when he said he'd help ordinary people in this country. We have interesting conversations. We could solve the world's problems if the world would only listen to us. I've noticed that we are good indicators of what's trending for women our age. Well, you have to leave out jewelry and makeup trending for me. Sorry. Jewelry and makeup generally bore me.

So, when I watch the news and I hear Trump representatives saying that 'most people don't care if Donald Trump releases his taxes,' I want to stand up and yell at the TV.

"I want Donald Trump to release his taxes!"

I don't actually stand up, but Mike is used to me talking back to the TV by now.

I want you to know that I've nearly gone past caring what the Trump administration is doing. Every day, they indeed do something horrible, a new Muslim ban, a new lie about what Trump tweeted on his unsecured phone, a new controversial appointment with the intent to dismantle the EPA or the Department of Education. It's an endless stupid show. I no longer expect the Trump administration to act with decorum or integrity. I'm not surprised when they lie. I'm not even surprised when news is released that Trump's promises are repeatedly broken or that he intends to dismantle some of the very departments that make our country so beautiful and compassionate, like the EPA, the National Parks, the Department of Labor, and the Department of Education.

No. I don't think, despite the postcards that I'm sending to the White House tomorrow, that any of the protests, the activism, or even the reactions by experts is going to have one iota of impact on what the Executive Branch is currently doing. I have given it up. They don't care what happens to the people of this nation. My opinion is that they have their own agenda and it's all about how they can inflate their billion dollar bank accounts with my taxpayer money. Just look at the way Trump has traveled, spending eight times what Obama did in the same time period. No. I'm losing interest in that three-ring circus.

But I am very interested in what Congress is doing. There are very particular areas where I want to see action by Congress.

Congress needs to appoint an independent bipartisan commission to investigate the Trump administration's involvement with Vladimir Putin and the Russian government. 

Congress needs to investigate Trump's sources of income and his violation of the Constitution when he is taking money from foreign governments as gifts or payment. 

Congress needs to insist that Trump release his taxes.

I am not a paid protester. I am not a journalist. I'm an ordinary voting mom who sees the strong ties between the current members of the Executive Branch and the leaders of the Russian government.

So, why is our Congress ignoring the red flags that keep being thrown onto the field by our most reputable journalists? A few members of Congress are beginning to see that this new administration is not comprised of your standard Republicans with the honor that Republicans generally stand by. Senator John McCain and Senator Lindsey Graham have begun to make an effort to keep the Trump administration in line. These two brave men might just save our democracy.

While many Republicans are voting in lock-step with anything that the Trump administration wants, there are a few others who are beginning to call foul on the crazy edicts that come daily from the Oval Office.

Representative Walter Jones of North Carolina and Representative Mark Sanford of South Carolina both voted to request Trump's tax returns. That's what I'm talking about! These men are heroes. I may have stayed up too late watching Elizabeth Warren and the rest of the Democrats filibustering the poor choices for Cabinet members, but it's going to take strong Republicans to finally stand with a Democrat or two to demand that this administration stop violating our Constitution.

The Constitution is something that Republicans have stood behind for years. Republicans love it. Many of them have probably read the Federalist Papers.

Sorry. No. I haven't read them.

These brave Republicans need to get behind their beloved Constitution now to prevent it from crumbling into dust. They need to see the corruption in the Trump administration that is so obvious to me, an ordinary mom who lives hundreds of miles from the nation's capital.

Thank you for listening, jules

Tweeting Hypocricy

Have you noticed that so far, all of the complaints that Trump has tweeted about are things, true or not, that he has begun to do himself now that he has the power to do them?
Trump complained of how many times President Obama played golf. I forget how many times Trump has played golf so far, but he outshines President Obama. Well, maybe he doesn't outplay him. Who knows?

Trump complained when President Obama spend a couple of million dollars one year to go on vacation for two weeks with his secret service contingency. Trump has now traveled to Florida four weekends out of five. Plus, all those expenses? They go straight into Trump profits. President Obama didn't make a profit from bringing his cronies on vacation with him.

And let's talk about unsecured devices, shall we?

Do you remember the chant? 'Lock him up! Lock him up!' Right, it was 'her' wasn't it? Poor Secretary Clinton. Trump's tweeting make Hillary's emails look like an amateur. He's tweeting up a maelstrom and it's on an unsecured phone. Are those tweets official Presidential responses?

And didn't he say that Secretary Clinton was a liar? Didn't he? Every other day, he's caught lying. It's not even news any more.

Just listen. When he complains about someone, it's usually something he's done or is doing himself.

Oh, I suppose we have bigger fish to fry. Why can't Congress get going on this investigation about Russian communication with Trump's campaign staff? What the hell is that? Why can't these people see through all these issues and promise to investigate using an impartial bipartisan commission? I have respect for John McCain and Lindsey Graham. They are saying that the emperor has no clothes. Is every other Republican in Congress blind?

If the Republican Congress keeps in lock-step with Trump, there won't be a government to govern. The people in this country will be sick with pollution. The controlling population will be white only and male. Most everyone else will live in a company town, subsisting on scraps that they pay directly to their employers for food, necessities, and rent. And millions of innocent people will be expelled from our country because of their race or their religion. 

Watch the tweets. Am I right? Do what I say, but not what I do.

Thank you for listening, jules