Thursday, January 22, 2015

The Questions of Poop and Loud Commercials

I took a long walk in the rain today and came up with some burning questions.

If they want me to pick up my dog's crap from the leaves at the edge of the trail, why don't they put purple food coloring my dog's kibbles so I can see those stinking piles?

If' they're steaming, stinking and brown, why can't I find them when they're deposited in green grass before I've stepped in the pile? I would blame my progressive lenses, but my ophthalmologist says my vision is fine. 

Why does the dog poop the maximum distance from either of the garbage cans along the trail? Did he do better on that math test than I did? You know the test that I mean, the one with questions like: If a trail is 6.83 miles long and there are five evenly spaced garbage cans along the way and you walk 32 minutes per mile, how long will you have to carry stinky bags full of poop if your dog poops an average of three times at a maximum distance from any particular garbage can for the first three miles.

For extra credit, you can answer the following question: If I use the biodegradable doggy bags, just how long does it take for those things to begin to break down with a hot wet poop inside? Does the size of the poop and the relative temperature affect the length of time they stay intact?

Why do my raspberries need Kotex pads? They don't bleed. I get why meat needs a pad. Sometimes, my meat need a maxi pad instead of a panty liner and they still bleed all over my white linen grocery bags. Just kidding. I have the same motley assortment of ratty old grocery bags that you have. Did you know we're supposed to put our grocery bags in the wash now and then? Don't you hate when you put one in the washer and forget and put it in the dryer and have a million bits of plastic stuck to a whole load of laundry?

If I have a good raincoat, why do I still want to hustle back to the car so I can go home and snuggle into a blanket on the couch with the cat on my lap the first ten minutes? And yet it keeps raining and it seeps through the seams at my shoulders and I've been walking outside for an hour and a half, why do I start greeting people with ,"Beautiful day, huh?"Why is that?

And now that I'm home, I have more questions.

Why don't they put a mandatory time limit on commercials so that when even the funny ones have become annoying, they will no longer be allowed to run?

I thought it was a law that commercials can't be louder than the shows, and yet ...

And shouldn't the shows actually be longer than the commercials? I don't think they are any more. I think for every minute of show you watch, you watch one and one-third minutes of commercials.

Why are there commercials on those 500- 515 channels, the Encore channels, that we've been paying for and not watching for the past ten years? When was it okay to charge extra for a channel AND make me watch the commercials?

And where the hell did they get those movies for those channels anyway? I have never heard of those movies. I've never heard of those actors.

It just seems like poopy business no matter how you calculate it. 

Thank you for listening, jules

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