Friday, January 30, 2015

The Monster Inside

I've been watching too much Dr. Who. When there's nothing on TV and I'm too tired to do anything else, I watch stuff on Amazon Prime. I know I shouldn't, but I love Amazon Prime. Mike has watched most of the movies and shows there, but I'm slower and working my way through other stuff. I watched almost all the seasons of Nova. I love being able to learn something while I sit on my ass with a glazed look on my face. On the other hand, I'm learning from Dr. Who too.

I just watched the 'Night Terrors' episode. Right afterward, when Nick got home from school, I heard myself chiding him yet again. Why do fourteen year old kids deserve grief every time they sit down after school?

They don't, but I have to remind myself of that once in a while. It's like a free-for-all lecture season. He's old enough to act like an adult, I tell him. He needs to get with the program, I tell him. He needs to think.

Well, maybe he needs time not to think, not to go along with any program. Maybe he needs more time to act like a kid.

I don't know why kids aren't developed into adults at fourteen any more. They used to be.  Was it that life was so much more difficult and they were forced to grow up faster or perish? They used to be apprenticed out at the age of ten, living and working and learning from a tradesman. I'm glad that Nick didn't leave home when he was ten. He wouldn't have been ready. I wouldn't have been ready. He wouldn't be ready to leave home now, though having someone else feed him is something to ponder upon. Nope. I want to feed him, though at this point, I feel like that Stellar's Jay mom I once watched who had three big fledglings in her nest in late spring. She was constantly flying back and forth with food for them. Those things were so fat and garrulous that the nest must have been overwhelming for her, though it was entertaining for me to watch.

I apologized to Nick after I thought about how I was treating him. I'm glad because now he's asleep on the couch. He was tired. It's Friday. He's earned his fatigue. Without waking him up, I sat with him a moment and thought about that Dr. Who episode.

Night Terrors.

Sorry, it's a spoiler.

The little boy himself was an alien, a monster, and he was afraid of being sent away since his parents kept banishing any monsters from the room. Powerful can equate to scary, can't it? Even when the power is in your own hands.

And I started to think about the times I've made Nick feel bad about himself, the times when I lectured him too long, about when I expected too much.

So, I sat next to my boy for a while as he slept and meditated about how I would do my best to protect him from his demons. I realized it's a hard task to take on.

Because at least one of his demons is me.

Thank you for listening, jules

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