Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Ugly Ass Comments

I've known Mike for over thirty years now. It's amazing we still have anything to say to each other. When I fart, he says, "Oh my God!"

"I know!" I reply. We've gone through the same routine a hundred times. It's not even funny. I hate when that happens.

I hate being a farty old woman. I hate losing so much hair. And I hate that I'm turning into one of those crabby old women who are secretly the witch in the movies. You know, the one that yells at happy children? I never wanted to be that woman, the farty, balding old crabby woman.

And yet Mike still loves me.

How does he do that? I've never understood. I gained some weight too. I remember a guy I worked with in my twenties who announced to a whole room of women that he'd divorce his wife if she gained weight. I hope she divorced him because he was an asshole. But if I go around thinking that, wouldn't my fine husband have been forced to divorce me when I got crabby with menopause?

I feel much better now.

That's not just a line from Sixth Sense. I really do feel much better. It's hard to keep up the snarky routine now that menopause is over. It really is. Have you noticed that I haven't been here much lately.

Well, I do have some complaining to do. I complain about the Trump regime. I can go on an on about the state of Trumpnation.

Right, I was talking about how Mike still loves me after all these years.  Wow! I'd better tell Mike how much I love him before Tiny Hands liquidates the U.S. government.

Mike does still love me. Go figure. I've got crepe skin. I have a bag hanging under my chin. I have a lumpy butt. Oh, I still have some muscles there and in my legs because I walk a lot, but it's not without its cottage cheese.

Did any of you happen to see Madonna twerking with Ariana Grande? You know, I'm all for having the freedom to wear whatever you want, but I don't have to tell you that you look good in it. That was some awful shit. I'd rather have seen her naked body than see it decked out in the same baby doll dress and frilly underwear that Ariana was wearing. Somebody should have said 'hell no' to that outfit, hell-the-fuck-no.

Wait, wasn't I trying to talk about how Mike still loves me even though I'm not as nice as I used to be?

Yeah, that. Exactly that.

Thank you for listening, jules

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