Pink Comb-Overs and Tiny Hands

My friend and I are having a running conversation about a new trend in book titles, curse words included. I love them. She doesn't.

Have you seen Assholes: A Theory of Donald Trump? Oh, I'll be the first to admit I didn't read the whole book, but it's a great title, so great that I bought five copies to give out to my friends as gifts, including my friend who was properly offended.

Mike and I talk about whether I'll be imprisoned eventually for checking out Assholes: A Theory of Donald Trump from my local library. Probably, but I imagine I'm already on someone's bad-list because I marched in protest right after that sham of an election we just had in the United States. I was the one wearing 'Stop Bigotry' on a banner pinned to my backpack. Yes, I'm worried I'll end up festering in a cell while I await trial because I think Trump is an idiot, but in the meantime, I'm distracting myself by imagining myself in there with a whole bunch of journalists from the New York Times, the Washington Post, and Aaron James, author of Assholes: A Theory of Donald Trump. Just the number of times I've typed Assholes: A Theory of Donald Trump will probably get me on that list to be detained interminably.

And while we're all in there, all us who think Donald Trump is a weasel, all of us waiting years to be released from Guantanamo without ever being brought to trial, every single one of us will laugh about all the great books with bitch, fuck, and shit in the titles. And also how Trump looks with his awesome comb-over barely covering extreme baldness. No, I'll be the only one talking about how Trump looks. The journalists and Aaron James will probably be discussing the psychological limitations of Trump and his regime, the laws that might have prevented his approach to the position in the White House if only the Republican-led Senate would follow through with the Russian interference with our election and how Trump has conflicts of interest he has no intention of resolving. I'll just doodle pictures of his pink flip, orange skin, and tiny hands while the rest of them think great and impressive thoughts on freedom and democracy. And I'll have time to hone my list of good curse word titles.

I like this trend. I think Bitch Wine started it. Years ago, I bought a bottle and gave it to my friend so we could open it, bitch and drink. Somehow, she knew I wasn't complaining about her. Good friend. Then, I saw a book called Gluten is my Bitch. I didn't read that book either. I didn't even buy it since I can't eat much gluten anyway and it would be torture to look at recipes for bread and stuff that's full of gluten if I can't eat it. It turns out that there are a half dozen cookbooks with bitch in the title. Nice! I'd cook that shit.

There's also a Fuck It Therapy book. I was tempted to buy a copy for my friend, but she's not the one with issues. I'm usually that person.

So pray for me. I'm probably going to jail after the Inauguration because Trump's aid, that bimbo, you know who I mean, says that discussing democracy is bad for democracy. So is talking about pink comb-overs and tiny hands.

Thank you for listening, jules

Ugly Ass Comments

I've known Mike for over thirty years now. It's amazing we still have anything to say to each other. When I fart, he says, "Oh my God!"

"I know!" I reply. We've gone through the same routine a hundred times. It's not even funny. I hate when that happens.

I hate being a farty old woman. I hate losing so much hair. And I hate that I'm turning into one of those crabby old women who are secretly the witch in the movies. You know, the one that yells at happy children? I never wanted to be that woman, the farty, balding old crabby woman.

And yet Mike still loves me.

How does he do that? I've never understood. I gained some weight too. I remember a guy I worked with in my twenties who announced to a whole room of women that he'd divorce his wife if she gained weight. I hope she divorced him because he was an asshole. But if I go around thinking that, wouldn't my fine husband have been forced to divorce me when I got crabby with menopause?

I feel much better now.

That's not just a line from Sixth Sense. I really do feel much better. It's hard to keep up the snarky routine now that menopause is over. It really is. Have you noticed that I haven't been here much lately.

Well, I do have some complaining to do. I complain about the Trump regime. I can go on an on about the state of Trumpnation.

Right, I was talking about how Mike still loves me after all these years.  Wow! I'd better tell Mike how much I love him before Tiny Hands liquidates the U.S. government.

Mike does still love me. Go figure. I've got crepe skin. I have a bag hanging under my chin. I have a lumpy butt. Oh, I still have some muscles there and in my legs because I walk a lot, but it's not without its cottage cheese.

Did any of you happen to see Madonna twerking with Ariana Grande? You know, I'm all for having the freedom to wear whatever you want, but I don't have to tell you that you look good in it. That was some awful shit. I'd rather have seen her naked body than see it decked out in the same baby doll dress and frilly underwear that Ariana was wearing. Somebody should have said 'hell no' to that outfit, hell-the-fuck-no.

Wait, wasn't I trying to talk about how Mike still loves me even though I'm not as nice as I used to be?

Yeah, that. Exactly that.

Thank you for listening, jules

The Great American Liquidation Sale

I don't like the Trump regime. His great gift in the corporate world has been to liquidate companies and pool their remaining funds into his own account. Well, that seems to be exactly what he's doing now. Have you looked at the Cabinet he's assembling?

It's the Great Liquidation of the U.S. Government.

Want a National Park? I've got the Arches and Mesa Verde. Would you trade that for the Grand Canyon? Can you picture the neon signs I can put up there? And the gift shops and vending machines on the trails, not to mention the high-end hotels near the bottom, accessible only by helicopter.

Need some low income housing? It's becoming available and you get to raise rents on people who already can't afford to live there. Poverty sucks, but you know what? Death is a solution too, of sorts.

Healthcare? Those elderly and disabled people are sucking our system dry. Let them perish prematurely. Your grandmother? Too damned bad. It was her fault for getting old in the first place. Now, you get to drain your own retirement to pay for her care. Your grandchildren can pay using theirs too. There will be no heart to Trumpcare. You will have to pay to keep that old lady breathing.

Schools? Well, there will be an 'unpresidented' number of children schooled in the anti-fact anti-education education corporation. You could own your very own high school and you can teach whatever the hell you want. There is no such thing as a fact and you can create your own, no evidence needed.

The EPA is going to be converted to a tax-as-you-breathe system. Each human will be charged for air and water and charged again for any unfortunate emissions. They will be required to wear a weight suit to measure volumes in and out. Want to support the U.S. economy? Those beans will create the most volume out per ounce in. If you want to to support greenery and wildlife in your neighborhood, you'll have to pay for the privilege of removing toxic waste and air at a monthly rate.

Is this our legacy?

It is, folks. It really is. But you can pay a million dollars for the privilege of a hunting trip with the head of the regime. He might listen to you. For a minute.

Thank you for listening, jules