Monday, December 28, 2015

Paying for Clean Dirt Will Be Next

Why do companies have to be so stingy with their characters?

Do you know what I mean? You're most of the way through writing a note on your 'free' gift card when you run out of characters, max 150 but you only needed about 173. Really? You don't have room to finish the sentence about deserving time off and by the way, I hope you had a happy birthday and maybe you should celebrate all over again because your present is three weeks late. And it's imperative to include the Love, the imperfect but still thinking of you Me.

No. You don't get to write your real sentiments because you only have 150 characters. There is no room, absolutely no room for a creative thought.

And those 150 characters include spaces and dashes. Do you want to charge for the air in your packages too?

Yes, you do. I know you do. You've found a way to charge me for water by making that tepid stuff you serve from the tap taste like a Coke without the syrup with a hint of chlorine and brown water added.

What do you mean you don't know what brown water is? It's dirty dish water, kiddo, and that's what it tastes like when you get a cup of water instead of bottled even though they are most likely bottled at the same source.

I like those filters and the added magnesium, folks. I have to admit that I like when my water tastes like a cold mountain stream, or what one used to taste like before acid rain ruined them. I also like the clean bottles you get when you buy bottled water. Have you ever looked closely at those red plastic glasses they serve tap water in? Don't.

You're likely to find old lip stick stains and white crud like what grows around the edge of the tap. What is that white crud anyway? It looks like what grows on your teeth overnight.

And forget drinking something that's cold. It will be tepid. If you order ice water, you get freezer-burned ice cubes. And you know what freezer-burn tastes like.

You don't? Let's see. It tastes like that white stuff that grows around the edge of the tap, but add in some stale breadcrumbs. How those stale breadcrumbs get in there, I don't know, but they do.

Now, you see why I'm willing to pay $2.19 for a bottle of water when I can get free stuff for nothing, even if the bottles are clogging up our oceans with flotillas the size of Texas. There are a whole lot of free flavors in the free stuff they put on the table, and don't forget the lip stick stains on the red plastic cup.

Pretty soon, people are going to be walking around with bottles of fresh air in their backpacks, bottles that they pay $22.99 to breathe because it is so much fresher and more reliable to breathe than the stuff near the highways. We'll have bottled air systems in our cars, in restaurants, in convenience stores.

And you know what?

We'll buy that shit because we will have fouled up our air to the point that we'll be able to smell the white crud that grows on the edge of the tap, the stale breadcrumbs, the chlorine, the gray water, teeth crud, and old lip stick stains.

I'd bet someone in Beijing could make a mint off of bottled air right now. Don't forget that it will be purified at the source, people. And if you want to thank someone for that gift, you'll have to pay for any extra characters beyond 150. By God, it's the American way.

Thank you for listening, jules

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