Saturday, July 11, 2015

Whose Living Room Is This?

Since when do children rule the household?

I'm sitting on the couch in my own living room. When the kid wakes up, I should be able to continue watching the movie that I put in. It hasn't even started yet. I'm still watching previews.

But, no. It's rated R, so the plan has to change. Nick isn't quite ready for stuff that's rated R. Instead of switching to some girl movie or an episode of Ellen, cartoons are instantly in order. Ellen is not R rated, but still it's forbidden in my all-male household. Spongebob. Why is Spongebob better than Ellen? Why?

"You know, Mom," Nick begins as he settles into the other end of the couch. "I think I've actually seen every single episode of Spongebob in existence. I have not seen every single episode of Ellen. I just haven't. Ellen is a treat, a rarity, a bit of gold in a stream full of rocks, Spongebob rocks.

"I think I have too," I reply. Nick laughs, but I'm not joking. I watch for a little while, playing a solitaire game on my phone. Sleep overcomes me since I woke with the sun and these days it's still not a whole night's sleep from dusk to dawn. Twenty minutes pass. Just twenty, not enough to make up for sleep losses. I hear a doorknob turn and open one eye.

"Good morning family!" Mike says cheerfully from the hall when he sees that I'm awake. He's always cheerful in the morning, even when he hasn't slept. What is that? Why can't I do that?

It turns out that Mike has slept. Why can't I do that?

"Dad, if I play until ten, I can get an upgrade for my character." Until ten?

"Mom, I'm going to play my game and I'm putting on my ear thing." He talks in a loud slow voice that is used to annoy people with disabilities. I interpret that to mean that I am to be silent now. I start to laugh. He gives me the stink-eye.

"So, I can't sing the upgrade song for your video game?" I ask. Mike laughs quietly.

"Mom!" He puts his hand to his ear and checks to make sure his Bluetooth is muted. He glares at me. It is somehow funnier because Mike laughed. I giggle audibly.

"So, I can't ask about your naked baby pictures?" Mike laughs again, but silently.

Mom!" Nick might kill me with those eyes.

"So, I can't fart either? What if I need to fart? How far do I have to be from that microphone for these total strangers not to hear me fart?" Mike snorts out loud. Success.

"MOM! Stop!" Nick is seriously angry now. I'd better change tacks. I'm not ready to take away the TV, but I want him to think.

"Can I breathe in here? Do I need to stop breathing in the presence of your almighty stranger friends in my living room?"

Just asking.

Thank you for listening, jules

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