Friday, July 3, 2015


I no longer control my phone. Have you noticed that happening with your phone? Have you? Is it driving you crazy too?

It began with the insipid little ad banners that scrolled whenever I played the free game that I downloaded, the one that came completely free with the last phone. Then, it escalated to pop ups with an X in a new place every time that required me to click the X and that delay forced me to view their ads. Then, they started making me wait on my phone, five seconds, ten seconds, fifteen seconds, before I could click the X and go back to playing. At that point, it was not truly my phone any more. It belonged to the advertisers.

Now, companies can banner events on my home screen. This morning, I awoke to an important announcement that I needed to respond to before I could open my phone. The only problem was that it wasn't my event. I hadn't added it to my calendar.


Thu, 7/2/2015
The Dojo that now controls your calendar
1234 SE In-Your-Phone Avenue
Call now to schedule ...

This event hadn't registered on my consciousness as remotely important. I hadn't even allowed someone else to add it to my calendar.

Yet apparently I had.

Yet again, I have to go into my settings and try to keep the riffraff out of my business. I have to try to keep the damned phone from beeping, buzzing, chirping and blinking at all hours of the day and night.

Yesterday, some idiot texted me at 12:14 in the morning to invite my son to ride with them for a football practice the next day. Even though I had my do-not-disturb settings ranged between 9:00 pm and 7:00 am, my phone chirped. What the hell? I didn't need to wake up to hear this thing in my ear. I didn't need to respond to this arrogant person who believed that her invitation for the following day was so damned important that I needed to get up in the night to address it. I did not want to see or hear anything from my phone at that hour, unless it was an emergency regarding my husband or son and I knew they were asleep in the house with me.

Yet, when my husband or son try to contact me on my phone, it is somehow silent on occasion. What the heck is that? They are the only two people I'm interested in hearing from day or night.

And there's Facebook. Yesterday, I looked at my profile and discovered that the way the idiot got my phone number to text me at 12:14 in the morning was from my Facebook page. Somehow, a whole lot of information about me was downloaded automatically and my phone number was included. It added work history that I wasn't interested in broadcasting. Really, does everyone in the world need to know that I once worked for BigImportantCompany? Do they? I thought it was funny that FastFoodFlunkieJob popped up whenever I checked out my own Facebook profile. Somehow, it connected with LinkedIn and downloaded my whole resume instead. What the heck? Did it ask me if I wanted it to do that? No! I was happy having FastFoodFlunkieJob displayed whenever anyone wanted to see my work history on Facebook. I'm not on Facebook to get a job or to impress anyone. In fact, I'd rather not play into that I'm-smarter-richer-better-than-you game that happens there. And I'm not entirely sure how either of them got my phone number. I don't want that number floating around because riffraff get hold of it and buzz, beep, chirp, and blink me awake at 12:14 in the morning.

And now, since it's 7:33 am, the riffraff are satisfied that Nick doesn't need a ride, the dojo is closed, and I've stared at a sufficient number of ads for fifteen seconds at a time, I'm going back to sleep to see if I can be uninterrupted by my phone for one sweet hour of peace.

Thank you for listening, jules

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