Friday, July 21, 2017

How Do You Say 'Adapt' in Russian?

Dear Republican Congressional comrades,

It is with some trepidation and subservience that I congratulate you on your imminent positions as Auxiliary Heads of the United States of the New Soviet Territory. Due to our puppet President's collusion with the illustrious Russian leader, V.P., and your reluctance to defend our Constitution from being appropriated by that foreign power, even your refusal to set limits on the level of infiltration of said foreign power before you are willing to impeach, I expect to resign myself to adopting what cultural transformation that we who were once called Americans will need in order to survive this colonization.

I would imagine the new leadership will use his power over the Department of Education to eliminate English as the means of teaching our children. As many Native Americans in our country might remember: we must kill the Indian, not the man. Taking a lesson from those American Indian boarding schools, banning English would cripple the existing culture and remind our people to whom they must be allegiant. It would be easiest if it were conducted in the preschool and elementary schools first. Older children and adults will be more likely to resist this change. I will need to take a Russian language class myself so that I might be allowed to request permission to travel cross-country and change jobs if necessary. Are you prepared to speak only the Russian language in the near future? It may be required by our new benefactors.

I'll bet ten rubles that you hadn't thought of that.

I see that you have already begun the process of relieving the Russian motherland's shortages by supplementing its governmental corporations with the U.S. Territory's vast natural resources. If you were unaware of that shift in our executive branch, then you need to look at some of the regulations that have been lifted and some of the departments that lack leadership because no one has been appointed to them.

Remember that an army of hogs led by a lion is more formidable than an army of lions led by a hog, as they say in Russia. Will you pledge your allegiance to that lion, that foreign leader, to whom you are granting our government's control?

I have included a link to some new recipes you might want to try. I made stroganoff last night. Who knew I was on the right track? And remember that borscht is a beautiful and nutritious food. I believe we may be allowed to retain our food traditions at least at the beginning, but it might ease our transition to the motherland's culture to make some changes now.

Comrade McConnell has made the pledge to rid our Territory of its vulnerable, old, and poor people with his Republican healthcare plan. This might eventually make our people genetically stronger, but we will need a period of grieving for our lost loved ones. It is important to remember, however, that people without hope are easier to control.

Do any of you know what religion will be predominant in the new regime? I'm Methodist. Do you think I'm on the right track? I fear for the lives of those who are Muslim or Jewish in our Territory. If it gets bad, some people may convert in order to survive.

So in conclusion, I raise my shot of vodka to you, comrades, for your part in this transformation. And remember that it's bad luck not to drink every shot that's put in front of you, even if it has polonium-210 in it.

Na Zdorovie!

Thank you for listening, jules

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