Sunday, October 18, 2015

Why Be Normal?

I should be going to bed. Everyone else is in bed, but I suddenly realized, after procrastinating all weekend, that I needed to do dishes and laundry, to order some stuff online, and to stretch. The dog is pacing, telling me he didn't get a proper walk either. I hate when he can so easily state his business with a long stare.

How do they do that? I know exactly what he's telling me. I swear I do.

I also spent the last half hour wondering if my singing drives anyone nuts in church. I hope it doesn't, but I don't sing what's on the page in front of me. I make stuff up. I harmonize. I noodle around in different registers and with slower beats and play as the song is going along. I'm not entirely sure I'm any good at it.

So, should I worry what people in church are thinking about how I sing in church? I'm not doing it out of disrespect. I'm not trying to mess things up. It's what I feel. I like singing this way and I almost feel comfortable enough with these people to do it. Almost.

I hate when I'm a dork and need permission to do things I do out of joy. I hate that. I used to get into trouble for singing at the dinner table. Who punishes a little girl for singing? I'm not bad at singing. I'm really not. I can carry a tune and I've been asked to sing in church before. The choir wants me back, but I'm busy on practice nights and I go to the early service. No choir for the early service.

But am I driving someone nuts and they're too polite to ask me to be normal?

My roommate in college told me that she hated how I always sang the harmonies of songs. She didn't like me anyway, so why did I care? Once, I sang in the lobby of my dorm and someone came up and asked me why I sang like a black person. She meant it as an insult and I understood that. I never sang in the lobby again.

So, is there someone in our small morning congregation who secretly wishes I'd shut up? Am I distracting someone from their own musical meditation? Do I have to be normal? Could I be normal if I tried?

Why should anyone care if I'm normal or not? Some of my best qualities are far from normal.

So why do I ask myself questions like this when it's past time to go to bed? I blame that little girl still singing at the dinner table.

Thank you for listening, jules

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