Monday, February 9, 2015

Cleaning Out the Pipes

All right, already. All week, I've been avoiding the elephant in the room. You know, there are things I really don't want to write about, but this is my week and I'm entitled to it.

It's 2:23 in the morning and I can't sleep for it all, so I'm going to write about it anyway. If you suffer when other people have bouts of TMI, stop reading now. Just close the page and you won't miss a thing that you wanted to hear. Just do it. Do it now. Bye-bye.

I'm getting a colonoscopy in the morning. Well, this morning. Later.

You wanted to know or you would have stopped reading. I warned you.

The other day, I told a geriatric nurse friend of mine that the preparation for a colonoscopy is worse than the procedure itself. She laughed and said that there's no way. My geriatric nurse friend is young. She's never had to drink that shit they give you to drink the night before. She's never downed half of it and gagged at the thought of drinking the rest. She's never spent an entire evening reading magazines in the bathroom. She's never gotten so cold because her colon was squeaky clean that layers don't do a thing to warm her.

Why is that? Why do people get so cold when their colon is clean? I know it's not just me. I asked the nurse about it. Mike got cold too when he was getting ready for his. He's due this year too. Isn't  that sweet? I told him we should go in at the same time and get dual colonoscopies, but he just laughed. He wants to be my designated driver. He wants me to be his driver.

I'm hungry. I couldn't fall asleep because I was hungry. And what's with all the stupid food commercials on TV? I couldn't even distract myself with a movie. Pizza, candy cereal, sweetened yoghurt, candy bars pretending to be fiber or healthy or crap. Don't you know that these people are selling you crap? Well, it's hard when you're hungry, when you haven't eaten much in the past forty eight hours.

I've gotten smart though. This is my fourth or fifth colonoscopy. Yes, I'm a frequent flier. I've had polyps. My dad also had colon cancer, so if some doctor or your mother is nagging you to get a colonoscopy, you can get away with procrastinating for a year but after that, you should listen. Nobody wants a tumor the size of a golf ball blocking their ass and bleeding all over the place. I'm telling you, I know. I might have been young when my dad got cancer, but I wasn't blind. Surgeries, radiation, chemotherapy, colostomy bags. It sucks and is so damned avoidable. You can skip the whole shebang by getting that routine screening. I've had two precancerous polyps taken out already. I even woke up early and watched one on the movie screen in front of me.

I do not want to see that screen again. My husband has little grabbers in the garage that extend tiny fingers out to grab screws that have fallen down into the engine compartment. Well, it reminded me of them going at a little pink mushroom that seemed to be growing out of the inside wall of my colon. I remember wondering why everything was so yellowed, but then I remember the flavor of jello I had eaten was yellow. Lemon? Hell, they all taste the same, but yellow jello, yellowed colon. Most of the time, colons are a bright pink. We're not allowed to eat red jello, so I couldn't exaggerate that pretty pink color. I guess they're looking for blood. Good. Look for blood, but I don't want to watch it on screen when I'm lying there. It's too immediate. Invasive. Totally invasive. You start thinking about it too much. It's like not watching when they draw blood only more so. So, I've lost count of the number of times I've been in for a routine screening. I've had two polyps, but neither of them has been cancerous. So, I'm in for another routine tomorrow. I keep saying that. Later this morning. Routine.

Yes, I know that a routine colonoscopy is anything but routine.

First of all, I had to give up nuts, seeds, berries, food with a lot of fiber, vitamins, and Aleve five days ago. Do you know what that means to someone who eats the way I do? It threw me off. I eat salads with nuts and berries every day. So, take that away and what am I supposed to eat?

I ate crap, that's what. I gained three pounds in three days. I ate junk. I even got a migraine on Saturday. I never get migraines any more. It was probably the cereal, the crescent rolls, the junk. I never eat that stuff any more. I don't even remember what all crap I ate this week. It was a free for all.

My sugar levels were all over the place. Don't tell Mike, but on Wednesday I left my house with a burner on the stove on and came back three hours later to a house that smelled like I'd burned dinner. And that cast iron skillet was burned clean! Since I'd burned dinner the night before, it smelled pretty normal once I ran the fan and opened the windows for a while. Then, on Friday when we were on our way to the movies, I thought I'd left a burner on and when we got home, it was off. Well, shit. I couldn't get my stories straight. Missed the movies though. My sugar levels were completely whacky. No salads. No berries. No nuts. No oats. No fibrous veggies. I was a mess.

Then, on Saturday, I knew I needed to eat light. There's nothing like having a loaded colon when you begin with that MoviPrep stuff. Cramping and all. You want to have eaten really light the day before. So I stuck with mostly protein shakes yesterday. And I got a migraine too, so I was a wreck, seeing pink spots with my eyes closed and sick to my stomach. It was a relief to wake up with a clear head today, but it was a long day of eating jello and broth. I never did break into that Gatorade. I know I should have, but jello was bad enough.

So, a routine screening. In about fifteen minutes, I have to take the second liter of the MoviPrep stuff. Yuck. Then, I'll spend the next hour or two in the bathroom, pretending I can focus on my magazine. My stomach is grumbling, just thinking about it. At least they've reduced the volume. When I first had a colonoscopy, I had to drink about a gallon of stuff. It was incredibly miserable. This is less miserable. And I think they've made it a little less sweet than it used to be. I'm not big into syrupy sweet drinks.They gag me.

I keep telling myself I can relax in a couple of hours. And the procedure will be over by 10:30am. I could be home asleep on the couch by 11:00am. And I'll be able to eat whatever I want, well, within reason. I'd like some cheesecake, but I'd hate to spike my sugar levels again. I don't want to burn down the house tomorrow.

Gotta go! I'm on schedule for the bathroom.

Thank you for listening, jules

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