Wednesday, October 22, 2014


In thirty minutes, I have to take the boy to school. Yesterday, the dog bounded into the car with us, as usual, and on my way back into the house afterward, I forgot anything but an extra hour of sleep and forgot that he was still in the car. In the house, as I snuggled in, I didn't even notice his absence.

What does it feel like to be forgotten?

When I was a little girl and got upset, I'd run out into the woods and climb as high into a tree as I could. Usually, I had arrived there in a fury over the fact that no one had listened to me or taken me seriously. In the tree, I'd imagine their grief over their mistake. I'd imagine each member of my family and their remorse at the horrible way they'd treated me, or worse, ignored me. I believed I'd get revenge just by waiting.

The problem with my method was that I was never patient. I am still not patient. So, I'd sit in that tree, crying, and hoping, no, praying, that someone would come looking for me to apologize for the way they had treated me. I imagined the way they would call for me, never seeing me because I was so well hidden in the leaves above them. I would imagine watching their fear that they had lost me.

They never came. Not once do I remember anyone searching the woods or calling my name during one of these episodes.

Eventually, I'd climb down the tree, still hurting, and walk back into the house. It was agonizing knowing that they hadn't even acknowledged that I had been gone, that I had had my feelings hurt so blatantly. It burned, knowing that I hadn't even been missed.

That was the worst feeling, thinking that they cared so little that they never wondered where I had been all that time, that they had never considered their actions and my feelings. I was like a stuffed toy, forgotten in the back of the closet for years while the child grew up and moved away.

When woke up, I went outside and found my dog waiting in the car. He was curled up on the driver's seat, on my seat. He looked up at me with baleful eyes. I apologized, let the rain fall on the back of me as I leaned in to pet his belly and tell him how much I missed him. We spent a long time at the dog park yesterday afternoon.

I don't even want my dog to feel as lost as I had felt when I climbed down from those trees.

Thank you for listening, jules

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